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On Grieving

There are times when I can't hold back the stream of tears even if I want to. They run in little rivulets down my cheeks, tickling my chin and neck. They run undaunted. They catch me by surprise. As do the sobs which get stuck in my throat when I think of how terribly I miss her. It all rises up so quickly within me. So unexpectedly. Do others understand? Do they forgive me? Do I care? I make many people uncomfortable in my grief. I am aware of this. What I want or need from them I do not know. They can't distract the way she did during our fits of giggles over nothing. They can't soothe me in my anxiety and fears like her existential reasoning always did. They can't understand what she meant to me. What our relationship was like. We were so much more than sisters. We were mirrors, one and the same, yet different. Reflections of one another. They can't know what that is like. They can't bring her back.

My body aches some nights. There is such heaviness around my heart. I feel I can't take a deep breath the way I long to. As though that breath could fill up all of the emptiness I feel inside. Her pain was so huge. It took her. I sometimes feel that mine will take me, too. I struggle within myself. My spiritual beliefs seem so weak and flimsy when tested in this new way. I should know better. I self-chastise. She's right here always; I console myself. But it hurts so much when I can't envision her looks of dismay, delight, concern, or love. Maybe that's what I miss most. I don't think anyone has ever loved me as much. Even when I became a mystifying enigma to her, that immense love did not diminish. It scared her, but I felt the love behind her fear. I knew that fear was really about losing me. Losing our closeness. Our tight connection to one another. She was terrified that I would grow away from her. Even that spoke to me of her enormous love for me. It was a selfish love. A possessive love. It was based on insecurity. But she trusted me above all others. That was demonstrated clearly to the very end. She honored me with her trust. I felt privileged. I strove to deserve it.

God, please make me the person my sister adored. Help me to be strong through this. I feel so broken. So damaged. Severely wounded with parts missing. Parts vital to my well being. Gone. My grief consumes me. I have no family now. All those who were my foundation in this lifetime are gone. They've passed over. Why can't I? They've raised up out of all this. And left me here. Alone. My dog seems to want to share in my pain. He clings to me. Doesn't let me out of his sight for long. Licks at my tears as though they were sweet mother's milk nourishing him. He looks longingly into my eyes. Does he long for this pain to stop as I do?

Nights are worst. I awaken when it's dark, cold, quiet. No movements. No sounds. A shroud of heaviness envelops me. Visions haunt me. Memories play and replay in my head. Nausea rises up as if I could purge them from my depths. My heart aches. My eyes burn. I long for sleep. She longed for sleep. She got it. She longed for escape from her pain and suffering. She got it. I want to move through this. Come out on the other side of it. Grow from it. Learn and enhance my Being by it. Feel it deeply. Immerse myself in it. But what if I lose myself in it? Can't move back out? I could get stuck here. It depletes me so. I may not have the energy left to lift myself out of this.

She is working with me from the other side. I feel this. I celebrate her. Do I celebrate me? Grieving is one of the emotions we've come into embodiment to experience. To miss someone is bittersweet. To love someone so greatly, so deeply will often mean hurting to that very same degree. It is a risk we take as humans. It is worth the risk. My love for her lives on. My grief will dissipate slowly, over time. Now to be patient with myself, be lovingly present with myself.


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Death/Dying Life
Love Negative Feelings
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